


With you, I lost my heart.

by faeryn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Trauma, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hunter!Cas, Hurt, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Misery, Post Season 9, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappy Ending, fallen!cas, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-20 20:16:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1524182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faeryn/pseuds/faeryn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas Fell because he couldn’t bear living without Dean.</p><p>He didn’t realise dying without him could be so much worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am basically ignoring some canon stuff for the sake of this fic, or rather I am glossing over things because they’re not really relevant to the story. Things like ‘why does Cas have his Grace back?’ and ‘how did they fix all the shit?’ Not relevant so meh. 
> 
> I have written so much fluff lately I wanted to write something heartbreaking. Apparently, though, I am a one-trick pony because there's still a ridiculous amount of fluffy shit in there. Oh well. 
> 
> It was hard to work out tags for this, if you think I've missed something please let me know in a comment and I'll add it! Tags are my weakness ^^;

“I love you, Cas.”

Dean surprised him by saying it the first time they kissed, as if waiting for years to admit their feelings was enough to break through his emotional turmoil. They clung together desperately and kissed like the world was ending - again - and Dean punctuated his kisses with awed, worshipful words or just quiet “I love you, love you Cas, love you so much,” against his throat, rubbing their scruff together like the feeling was the only thing keeping him alive. They made love that night slowly and reverently, taking their time to explore each other and find out what feels good, better, _best_. Castiel was amazed at the intensity of his climax when he came whispering Dean’s name and how his heart soared when Dean followed soon after, shouting his love to the ceiling while Castiel’s fingertips pressed bruises into his hips. He didn’t say it back right away. 

It only took a week for Cas to make the decision to Fall. With Heaven open and Abaddon dead he didn’t need to be a constant protector for the Winchesters - for Dean - and they had gotten along just fine without him for years. He knew it was selfish, but the thought of watching Dean grow old and die without him was unbearable. They’d never have the apple pie life he knew Dean craved but maybe, just maybe, his unconditional love would be enough. When he showed up at the bunker after a few days, bedraggled and stinking of sweat and dirt, Dean just _knew._

 _“_ You stupid bastard,” he said, but his face lit up with joy and despite the dirt and the smell he pulled his former angel into his arms and held him tight. 

Cas still didn’t say it back.

The three of them fell into an easy routine like they had been together all their lives and Cas found it easier to adjust to humanity now he’d tried it once and now he had his family there to help him. He still got confused sometimes, still didn’t understand everything about being human and frequently forgot he was not longer in possession of the Grace that allowed him to pick up hot things with his bare hands or keep his facial hair in check just by willing it, without even a thought. Dean kissed every burn, scratch and shaving nick and told him he was perfect, that he loved him and reassured him when he doubted he would ever get the hang of being human. He promised to be there and Cas believed him, but he still didn’t say it back. 

Dean taught him to shoot and Cas taught him how to fight in close quarters the way angels do, augmenting his knowledge to give him that edge over other hunters and the things they hunt. Dean taught him a lot of other things too, like how to cook a mean burger and what constitutes the perfect pie and Cas finally surprised him with the words he’d been longing to hear.

“You’re so strange, I love you,” he said with a laugh one day when Dean was trying to show him the difference between ketchup and catsup and why ketchup was vastly superior in every way while Cas really didn’t care. Dean stopped mid-sentence, blinked then broke into a broad smile and kissed him breathless. 

When Dean felt he was ready, Cas started going on hunts with them. They started off small, a routine salt and burn, and Cas found he wasn’t as afraid as he thought he would be. Battling the evil in the world without his Grace had been a terrifying prospect that Dean couldn’t comprehend. How do you explain to someone who’s always been a human the fear that comes with knowing you were once an all-powerful celestial being reduced to a mere shell of humanity with little more ability than a newborn and with less human instinct for guidance? But with Dean beside him he felt safe. The fear couldn’t control him and the hunts became more complex. He spent less time cooped up in the bunker and more time on the road with the man he loves and the man he considers kin, rolling down the window and enjoying the rush of the wind against his face reminding him of flight. It was a happy memory, one he was glad to revisit.

Cas should have known that happiness doesn’t come for free, nor does it last long for hunters who have saved the world on numerous occasions and fucked up just as often. 

He looked on in horror as the wraith they were hunting shoved his wrist spike into Dean’s throat, spraying blood everywhere. A screeching noise rang in his ears and it took him a moment to realise it was coming from his own mouth. The wraith dropped Dean to the ground and advanced on the sobbing Castiel but Sam thrust his silver blade into its chest before it could finish him, too. He ran to Dean, begging him to fight, begging him to be alive and praying with all his might that someone from Heaven might save him but his pleas went unanswered; Dean was already gone. 

Sam drove them back to the bunker, silence filling the car like a tangible thing, broken only by the occasional wracked sob from Cas in the back seat with Dean’s head nestled in his lap. He stroked his face and silently begged for someone, anyone to come and fix this. When they finally reached home Sam gave him a long look in the rearview mirror and Cas nodded only once, knowing what they had to do. 

The pyre burned and tears fell freely from both men as they watched the fires consume the man they loved equally but in different ways. One lost his brother, one his heart, but they both grieved deeply. 

Castiel hardened, then. He closed himself off even from Sam and threw himself into hunting, anything to distract him from the ache of loss in his chest. Cas was gone, he died with Dean, and in his place was the ex-angel Castiel. The soldier. The hammer. If his name hadn’t struck fear into the hearts of supernatural creatures before, it did now. Castiel had lost the one thing that grounded him, the only thing he loved most in all of Heaven and Earth, and without it he was little more than a monster himself, one with a vendetta against anything and everything that harmed mankind. 

It was only when he was alone that the despair threatened to overwhelm him. He moved out of their room in the bunker to another as far away from it as possible, the memory of waking up with Dean wrapped around him or filling their shared space with mementos too much for his broken heart to handle. But sometimes, when the grief bubbled back up to the surface, he returned to that room and sat on the bed, breathing in the familiar smells of _comfort, love, home_. He cried quietly, great gasping sobs that shook his entire body, and fell asleep fully clothed in the middle of the bed, Dean’s pillow pressed tightly to his face and wet with his tears. 

Castiel wanted nothing more than to join Dean, had thought about simply ending his own life and rushing to his lover’s side. He had no doubts that Dean was in Heaven, no doubts he would go there too no matter how he died. He deserved it, they all did, and only a deal with a demon could change that certainty. But the one thing that stopped him was the thought of the disappointment in Dean’s eyes at his weakness. Castiel had survived millennia without Dean, he could survive one human lifetime. 

The years dulled the pain to an ache, but it never went away completely. Cas never came back from the place he went when Dean was killed and Castiel never allowed himself to get close to anyone who wasn’t part of Dean’s extended family. Woman and men showed interest in him over the years but he just stared at them blankly and told them in no uncertain terms not to be ridiculous. They didn’t know his heart was lost, burned at a hunter’s funeral with the Righteous Man. 

His body began to fail him and every hunt he thought ‘ _this is it’_ , hoping this would be the monster that would send him soaring upwards to Dean’s side. But still he fought, and still he won, though it was getting harder and harder to recover each time. Sam begged him to stop actively hunting, to help him be a resource for younger hunters as a Man of Letters, but he refused. He was a soldier, a fighter, and he wasn’t going to waste his years surrounded by dusty old books. He wouldn’t have if Dean was alive, so he wouldn’t without him either. 

It wasn’t a wraith that got him in the end. It wasn’t a ghost or wendigo or rugaru either. Castiel was sitting peacefully at Sam’s side, sipping a cup of coffee and watching his brother research his next hunt. He felt out of sorts that day, nauseous and achy, and he hoped he wasn’t coming down with something. He had a pretty strong immune system, hosting an angel’s Grace inside him for years has _some_ perks, but he’d experienced the flu and didn’t like it one bit. He looked up at something Sam said and felt a sudden wave of dizziness. Sam seemed very far away. He tried to get up, feeling a sweat break out over his body, but stumbled and fell to the floor, his chest aching like something heavy was pressing down on him. It was familiar, almost comforting, reminding him of Dean and the agony of his loss. Sam was saying something, he could see his lips moving, but the sounds were dull and soon he let go of his tentative hold on consciousness and plunged into darkness.

“Hello, Castiel, you took your time,” a smooth voice spoke behind him and Castiel whirled around to see Death sitting comfortably in Dean’s favorite reading chair. Castiel bristled at the man but he waved a hand and rose, holding out a bag. “Would you like some honeycomb? It’s from a little farm in Cheshire, England, and probably the best I’ve ever tasted.” 

“Honeycomb?” Castiel frowned, squinting at the bag dubiously.

“Just take it, you can’t get _more_ dead, Castiel.” Death looked past him and he followed his gaze to see Sam kneeling beside his body, pumping his chest frantically before blowing into his mouth. 

“He’s wasting his time, isn’t he?” 

“Yes, Castiel, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. Can we go now?” Castiel’s fist tightened, crumpling the paper bag as he felt his heart race in anticipation.

“You know, I really thought you’d go out with a bang. I’m a little bit disappointed. A heart attack? Really, Castiel, you never stop surprising me.” Death sighed wearily and reached out to touch Castiel’s elbow. 

Before he could blink Castiel was somewhere new, somewhere bright and sunny and he was alone. He stood in what appeared to be a meadow that stretched out ahead of him for miles. Behind him was a cluster of trees that he found unfamiliar. Was this Heaven? It wasn’t anywhere he could recall having visited, but that really didn’t mean much. His memory had been declining in recent years, a constant reminder of his humanity. He turned around on the spot to try and get his bearings but found himself just getting dizzy and confused. He stopped, then, and rubbed his forehead in exasperation. A noise behind him made him start and he cursed himself for letting his guard down. Just because he assumed he was dead didn’t mean he should assume he was _safe._ He whirled around and tensed, ready to fight, staring intently at the line of trees and trying to figure out what it was from the noises it was making.

It burst from the cover in a blur, covering the distance between them faster than Castiel could have thought possible and knocking him to the ground with ease. Castiel was getting old, he was well into his sixties after all, and his reflexes were dulled by time. He tried to wrestle with his attacker until he realised it was _laughing_ at him. He stopped, pulled back and gasped. 

Dean held him down, pinning him beneath his body and laughing with a joy Castiel couldn’t remember ever seeing in his life. Tears shone in his green eyes and Cas reached up to touch his face, wondering if he was real.

“Cas, Cas, Cas,” Dean chanted then attacked his face with kisses, “god I missed you, man.” 

Tears rose in Cas’ eyes and he couldn’t hold them back, letting them spill from the corners. A sob escaped from his throat and he surged forward to throw his arms around Dean’s neck, crying into his shoulder unashamedly. The sorrow and exhaustion and fear of the last thirty years without Dean poured out of him, every unspoken word and suppressed emotion falling from his eyes, his lips as he finally let go. Dean was here. Dean held him tightly, tears of his own running freely as they sat in the middle of the meadow and clung together, more than thirty years apart doing nothing to dull the love they felt for each other. 

It took hours for Cas to calm down, but they had eternity, didn’t they? When his sobs had quietened into occasional hiccups and he was enfolded in Dean’s arms he finally let himself relax. His body was no longer that of a battle-toughened hunter, but the hard muscle and soft flexibility of the Cas Dean had known, just as Dean was exactly how he was after Cas raised him from perdition. They sat there quietly, no words needed because they both felt the same joy at their reunion. 

Yes, Cas realised, this was definitely Heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry. *gives out tissues* I'm not very good at writing angst so this is something new for me, hurray for practice! I'm not supposed to be procrastinating with writing but the idea hit me as I was dozing off last night and I wanted to get it down before I forgot it! I hope it was enjoyable~ 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [Join me on Tumblr!](faeryn.tumblr.com)


	2. Alternatively...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the original, bad, sad, unhappy ending of this fic. 
> 
> I was encouraged to post it and I did because apparently IF I HAVE TO SUFFER YOU ALL HAVE TO SUFFER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the saddest thing I have ever written. I changed the ending in the first place because this hurt too much and I couldn't bear it. 
> 
> If you continue, please be warned that writing this shattered me into a sobbing mess. Bring tissues and proceed with caution at your own risk.
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you.
> 
> *gives out tissues to everyone*

“He’s wasting his time, isn’t he?”

“Yes, Castiel, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. Can we go now?” Castiel’s fist tightened, crumpling the paper bag as he felt his heart race in anticipation.

Death looked at him sadly and a jolt of realisation hit Castiel like nothing he'd ever felt before. 

"I really  _am_ sorry," Death said again quietly and Castiel nodded, accepting his fate mutely. It wasn't like he could change it now.

"Will you tell him something for me?" 

Death nodded and, after the message was related, touched Castiel lightly on the arm. The former angel winked from existence, snuffed out like a candle but leaving no smoke or glowing wick in his wake - and yet, so much more than that. 

 

Dean laughed with Pamela as he sunk ball after ball, their constant battle for dominion of the pool table a source of amusement for the others. Jo sat nearby chatting with Jess while Ellen and Bobby flirted across the bar, trying to ignore the sounds of Charlie and Kevin raucously playing video games in another corner of the room. Their long days in Heaven were varied, sometimes they all stayed at the Roadhouse base in Ash's Heaven, other times they remained in their own and relived their favorite memories. But at least once a week - or what felt like around once a week - they all made an effort to get together, keeping their bonds of family tight.

At first it had been hard, living without Cas and Sam, but Dean's family were there to support him. Even though he missed them so much it  _hurt_ he was glad they were alive and together. And a lot had to be said for having everyone he had ever loved and lost here beside him, from his parents to his extended surrogate family. The years were agonizing but, he found, his love never wavered and his patience was apparently infinite. Even Pamela gave up propositioning him after the first decade; the way his eyes softened when he declined reminding them all that he thought only of Cas. 

After the last few members of their little posse had trickled in in the last few years everyone knew that Dean was waiting patiently, disappointment giving way to relief as the years passed on Earth and he knew his brother and the angel he had loved so much lived out their lives below. 

"Dean," Ash said as he burst in to the Roadhouse and the hunter looked up immediately. He dropped his cue without even trying to stand it by the table and crossed the room in a few quick steps.

"What is it, Ash?" 

"It's Sam," Ash said, motioning towards the doorway in invitation. Dean stepped through without hesitation.

 

"Sam!" 

"Dean!"

The brothers rushed together, their arms curling tightly around each other as they laughed in delight. It had been so long since they last saw one another, so many difficult years of separation, and their relief was like something tangible. After a long moment Sam pulled away, his eyes shining with joyful tears that he dashed away with the back of one hand.

"Oh man, it's good to see you Dean," Sam squeezed his brother's shoulder warmly. "Where's Cas?" 

Dean's body went cold. His smile fell from his face in less time than it took him to blink up at his gargantuan brother. Cas was...  _gone_. Somehow he knew it as if he'd always known. 

"Cas is..." his voice was barely a whisper. 

Sam looked at him in concern as Dean huffed and dropped to his knees, unable to hold up his own weight anymore. His head felt light and his ears were ringing, his pulse too quick to be healthy. It was a good job he was already dead, he thought, or he'd have carked it right there and then. 

"Dean,  _where is Cas?_ " 

Dean's eyes filled with tears and he rubbed them with the heels of his hands, trying to stave off the burning. Cas wasn't here, he'd never been here.

"When did he...?" He couldn't bring himself to finish the question but Sam got the gist.

"Over ten years ago, Dean, why isn't he here?" Sam sat down beside his brother, folding his legs underneath himself as he tried to understand what was happening. 

"He... ten years..." Dean wheezed and the tears came thick and fast now. He couldn't hold them back any longer. Cas wasn't coming.

"He said to tell you something," a familiar voice said and Dean looked up at Death standing over him. This wasn't the Death he was used to, bearing junk food and dry humor, this was Death  _sombre_. 

"What?" He couldn't even find the energy in himself to be angry right now, his heart had just shattered into pieces too numerous to recover.

"First Castiel begged me explain that a fallen angel doesn't get to go to Heaven unless their Grace is returned to them. They don't go to Hell or Purgatory when they die. They cease."

"He just... winked out?" 

"Just so," Death didn't allow the strangled cry that erupted from Dean's throat to halt him in his speech. "Secondly, he had a message for you. His words were, let me see:

'Dean, I lived for millennia but did not live a day until the moment I raised you from perdition. Every moment prior to that was but a speck of sand and every moment after, a lifetime. Without you I would never have been able to experience the joy of love, the grief of loss or the warmth of family. My brothers and sisters number in the thousands and yet I find myself utterly alone without you. You taught me how to laugh and drew a smile from me when I thought nothing ever would again. With you, I lost my heart, and no human or angel will ever again feel love like that which I feel for you. I gave everything for you, I fell for you, and I would do so again even now knowing that this would be my fate. You are the most beautiful of all my Father's creations, Dean, and you gave me so much life. Thank you for everything you gave so selflessly. Thank you for teaching this angel the meaning of free will, and for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for loving me despite everything. I love you.'"

Death fell silent after relaying the message and fixed Dean with a long, sad look. Old as he was he had rarely enjoyed such entertainment as he had had with this Winchester and his heartbreak was regrettable. 

 

Dean looked down at his hands folded in his lap. Tears fell silently onto them but he didn't let out so much as a whimper. He let Sam put his arms around him and hold him tight. Still he cried. 

"I can't do this without him," he whispered finally, when Death was long gone and the others had gathered to see what was taking them so long. 

"You've still got us," Sam replied quietly and Dean's family nodded in assent. They knew it wasn't enough. Dean's heart was broken and he would never, ever be able to repair it. 

"I thought, after everything, I'd get to go to Heaven. Without Cas... what's the difference?" 

"We love you too, Dean," Jo tried tentatively.

"I do love you guys," it was the first time most of them had heard him say it, "but I loved him most. Without him..." 

Dean pressed his palm to his chest, an expression of indescribable grief crossing his face. Each one of them recognized the agony in his expression, they'd all worn it themselves at some point in their lives. But they'd all found their loved ones again in Heaven, while Dean was...

"He was _my_  heart," he said quietly.

He never spoke again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THEN GOD APPEARED AND BROUGHT CASTIEL BACK TO DEAN AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.
> 
> *uncontrollable sobbing*
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so so so sorry. And I couldn't think of a way to end it. So I just kept going. It was supposed to end when Dean realised Cas wasn't coming back and then. Yeah. 
> 
> I'm just so sorry you guys. I'm sorry. I am.

**Author's Note:**

> You can send me angry wailing about this fic on Tumblr~ On my [main blog](http://faeryn.tumblr.com) or my [very quiet writing sideblog.](http://faerynfics.tumblr.com)


End file.
